Bad Moments and Big Thank You

Last night, Ella didn't get what she wanted. We had a fire going in the wood burning stove and she wanted to put her blanket right next to the fire to get it warm. John asked her to move the blanket, as he was worried it was going to get really hot and possibly catch fire. It is made of a flammable fabric. She did not want to move it and said she was not going to move it. John then told her to move the blanket, that she could not have it that close to the fire. He told her she had to have it off the tile area in front of the stove, about 3 feet away. She again refused. I could tell she was not going to be reasoned with. She became rude in her comments and actions to John. He got her blanket and put it into her bedroom. She started sticking her tongue out and spitting. John got mad and said if she continued to be rude, she needed to leave the family room. I asked her several times if I could help her find a spot for her blanket that would still be warm, but would be a safe distance from the fire. She refused and kept yelling no and spitting. John took her into her room and she was really pissed. Fortunately, I had a great phone conversation with Madeline earlier in the day where we discussed these melt down moments and different ways to handle them. I took her words and some of the things I gleaned from talks at Live and Learn, and went into Ella's room with her and just sat. I tried to talk to her, she grunted at me, so I asked her if she wanted me to stay in the room with her. She nodded yes. I continued to try to talk to her, and she grunted again. So I asked her if she wanted me to be in the room with her, but stay quiet. She nodded yes again. This whole time she was banging and hitting a 3 foot plastic noise maker on the floor, door, other toys, etc. I just sat in the room with her, on the floor, not talking. A couple of times she got really close to hitting me, so I said, please don't do that so close to me. After 3-5 minutes, she stopped hitting with the plastic thing and started trying to tear up a little doll. I spoke again, trying to validate her feelings. I said I bet it felt good when she was angry to hit things. She still said nothing, but moved on to trying to rip up her planner. I said to her that I bought her the planner, and really hoped she wouldn't tear it up, because I know how much she likes it, and that she might be sad if she didn't have it anymore. She found a pencil and started drawing in the planner. She drew some hearts and wrote my name. Then, on another page, she drew Daddy with big x's crossing him out. I said, "You're angry with Daddy". She kept drawing. She drew x's on his mouth. I said, "You don't like it when Daddy yells." Then she drew x's on his eyes. I said, "Are those angry eyes"? She nodded. I said, "You don't like it when Daddy is angry." Then she scribbled him out. I asked her what that meant. She took her finger and drew it across her neck. I said, "You want Daddy to be dead." She nodded again. I asked, "Do you want Daddy dead forever?" She said no, just for right now. I told her it would make me sad if Daddy was dead forever. We continued to process things out, with Ella very calm. Before, I would have tried to get her to understand about the fire and the blanket and how we were right in not wanting the blanket to get too hot. This time, I just left it. I asked her if she wanted to go back into the family room to finish watching the show we had started. She did not. She wanted me to play with her in her room. So I did. When it was time for bed, I asked her to brush her teeth. She wanted my help, so I helped her. Then I asked her if she wanted to apologize to Daddy for saying ugly words to him. She wanted me to say the apology for her while I held her. After her apology, Daddy also said he was sorry for yelling at her. She didn't want to kiss him goodnight, but said "Good Night" as I carried her out of the room. The whole episode, after going into her room until we were playing together lasted about 10-15 minutes. I was soooo happy with the way everything went down and that I was able to change my tactics and see how much stronger our relationship can be. I'm not sure it would have played out this way had I not had my conversation with Madeline. Sometimes it's scary to let people in, share our bad moments. It's way easier to share the good moments. So, thanks. To Madeline and to the many who have touched me on this journey to becoming a better mom and a better person.